Swine Flu and the D.I.

Many people have feared that they will automatically contract the H1N1 virus (commonly known as “swine flu”) simply by entering a D.I. location, so I wanted to address the issue quickly. This fear is not wholly unjustified, as the demographic melting pot and unsanitary donations combine to make an ideal human petri dish. Statistics show, however, that only 35% of D.I. patrons contract swine flu as a result of visiting a D.I. (The numbers go up slightly if you happen to touch anything or respire during your visit.) That means that you will more than likely walk out of the D.I. without having contracted swine flu. Despite these statistics, I like to be on the safe side, so I always use hand sanitizer upon leaving the store. Once I get home, I routinely burn my clothes, exfoliate my skin with a strong acid (I recommend a sub-three PH), and quarantine myself in a closet for three days, just to be safe.